Realization

When I was 21 and came home for vacation from the Y one Sunday, I was ushered into the Bishop’s office. We talked a bit, then he dismissed me. I thought it was odd, so I asked him why he had talked to me. He then told me he had intended to extend a call to be a missionary, but the Spirit had made it known to him that my mission was to teach children and he felt that I needed to finish getting my college degree.

I went home and said, “Whew. I sure escaped that!”

As my parents asked what I had escaped and I reiterated the interview experience, I told them that I wouldn’t be a good missionary because I was afraid of meeting people who I did not know. I will never forget what my father said. A father, who rarely complimented anyone of us, said, “No, Karen. You would have been a great missionary. You put 110% into every calling you have ever had, and it would have been the same with this calling. Your love for the Lord would overpower the fears you have.

Well, I have been thinking a lot about the possibility of going on a mission in the next few years. I always thought I would go,… as if it wasn’t a choice. It was what obedient senior couples do…right? Soooo… I was going to do it. But I have not changed myself since I was a 21 yr. old. I am so fearful of meeting with people that in order to go visiting teaching, I literally cry, shake, and pray to have courage to phone them or meet them. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid that even if they let me in, they don’t want me there.

The sister missionaries have had me come with them to a nonmember since I have retired and I was very uncomfortable. Mike has had me go to his home teaching families of less-active members…and I am VERY uncomfortable.  We have some very good sister missionaries, who always follow through with us to see how we are doing with those less-active, nonmember people we have committed to fellowship, and I literally find myself hiding from them, because I am so afraid.

I have been praying and praying to say that I would do whatever calling the Lord gives me since my retirement …and with the stake reorganization and ward reorganization finished, in addition to the sister missionaries stepping up to ask me to go with them, I am petrified. What if it is Ward Missionary?

That feeling is so strong, that I am seriously reflecting on my ability to go on a mission after Mike’s retirement. If I am so afraid now, how can I honestly apply to be a missionary? I seriously have so much more respect for my children going on missions. It had to be the scariest thing they have ever done. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love that they did that… considering many of them have my fears, anxiety, and genetic weaknesses. I am so proud of all of them for taking that step and magnifying whatever they do for the Lord, regardless of their fears. I am so proud of them even now, how they buoy each other up and help each other with their callings.

That being said, I have memories of my Church callings as Relief Society President, Stake and ward Primary Presidents, etc. when I was not afraid. I know I did a good job and I felt I was a good leader, but I have since had many opportunities to be a leader in the educational setting and not been as successful. Perhaps it was because the teachers tend to be pretty aggressive or unconstrained, or that I didn’t have a position of authority over the people with which I was working. Perhaps it is that people in the Church understand the principle of counseling, then falling in line with decisions, but I found that I would not stand up for myself whenever people did not want to do something I was supposed to plan with them; I would back down. I couldn’t set a date and get them to come; they would find something else to do. I guess I just didn’t command their respect, etc. I constantly backed down, and and even worse, let myself be bullied.

However, I remember the changes that happened to me when I was called as a 24 yr. old Relief Society President. Prior to the calling, I had those same agoraphobic tendencies, but after and during the call, I changed. I know that in the setting apart blessing I was given the gift of charity and that gift trumped every fear I had. I truly loved all those sisters…active and/or inactive. There was no fear as I served.

It occurred to me last night that my leadership ability came from the Lord. I don’t own it. I wasn't born with it. It occurred to me that Heavenly Father qualifies those who he calls. As I watched the Sunday school video of those men leaving their families to preach the Gospel for years in a foreign land, I was overpowered with the dedication and faith they had for the Lord as they, too, were afraid. I hope and pray that whatever calling the Lord gives me, that since He knows me, He will not give me more than I can bear at that time, and that He will make me into the person I need to be to truly succeed in the calling that will come.