May 23, 2023
This morning, I read Elder Gong's April 2023 conference talk. One of the things that stood out to me was the man who finally agreed to hear the missionaries, but asked that his LDS ministering brother of 10+ years be there with him when he had the discussions.
I have had a single sister I minister to for a few years now. Mike and I have gotten to know her children by having them to dinner, helping her when she has car trouble, opening her house for the pest control man, taking her place as a parent for UIL orchestra concerts, going to downtown Houston to CPS to be an advocate for her children, making a painting for her troubled/suicidal daughter, having birthday parties and taking the family out to eat, teaching RS for her 3 times when she couldn't come, taken her to the temple, and countless times brought her meals when sick or depressed. She has been a Sped teacher. I've helped her with supplies and ideas.
She just finished her schooling to be a diagnostician. Things should have been looking up, but her daughter has been in and out of a psychiatric hospital...due (she says) to the verbally abusive father she spends every other week with. This sister spent all her savings paying a lawyer to get full custody of her children. In the CPS process, they did a surprise walk-through at her ex's home. He took took her to court to get full custody of the kids. She has no money left, so to avoid not being able to have a decent lawyer to gain at least keep the joint custody, she agreed to court-ordered mediation...every week with her ex. Very expensive. She has no money, so she charges it.
The teen-age daughter is very traumatized by her father (the ex) who is a very strict LDS father in a calling that is very respected in his ward. The daughter has rebelled at all he physically forces her to do, which includes going to church, and eating...so that was the excuse for my ministering sister not coming to church...but on the weeks she didn't have kids, she wasn't coming, and her excuse was that she was emotionally exhausted and that was the only time she could sleep, due to her work, education, and the custody battle going on.
When I got back from Utah, I purchased some chocolate-covered strawberries for her and brought a conference Liahona back for her. I went by her house twice and she wasn't home. Sunday, I texted and phoned (she wasn't at church) so I could bring the treats over. No answer. No reply. Then late at night, she said it was a horrible, crazy, trauma-filled day, and that she would be home after 4 the next day. The next day, I texted to know when she would be home...and she texted back that she didn't know when she would be home, so I should just leave it on the doorstep. I didn't want the chocolate to melt, or ants to get in it, so I told her I would wait till she got home and I would bring it by. I was SHOCKED when she texted back that I needed to respect her need for privacy. WOW!
When I explained why I didn't want to leave it on the porch, she understood, but I went over with multi-ziplocked bags to keep the ants out...and left it on the porch. Then she texted back that she was going through a lot of trauma now, and that unfortunately much of it has to do with the church, but when she was ready she would come back. WOW. I took it as a 'leave me alone' text, but she has since texted me several times about jobs she's applied for and would I pray for her.
I'm at a loss. She used to be at church every Sunday. This is so unlike her...but I wasn't going to leave her...I just needed to know what the Lord would have me do. I prayed to know what to do and thought to go to the church bookstore. What would I find that I could give her that would show her I care, but still be hands off enough to leave her alone regarding the church? I pretty much found nothing. I browsed for near an hour, wondering why I felt to come, when I could find nothing.
I finally took my meager purchased to the front and the owner asked me how I was. I was visibly sad. In fact, I was ready to cry, but I answered that I was fine, but the sister I minister to was not, and she was putting up a wall regarding the church. I didn't know what to do.
This man then said, you should have been at my Houston North Stake Conference. Elder Shumway was the speaker on ministering. He referred to us as being life guards. We can visibly see the person struggle physically on top of the water and we can swoop in and save them...physically. But, we cannot see them struggling below the surface...unless we ask Heavenly Father. We have to follow the spirit, because sometimes they don't want to be rescued. You want them to grab ahold of the buoy and they won't. Sometimes it's a give and take, trying to know how much help they want, versus what they need. They may need a life jacket, but refuse it. You can't take away their free agency. You can't force them to grab hold of the life line, even though you know they need it. You can't discount their reasons for not grabbing hold. They are valid in their eyes. You can only love them enough so that when they want to be rescued, you will be there and they will grab hold.
I thought of that on the way home. I thought of the woman at the well. Christ told her he could give her water and she would never thirst, but he didn't force it down her throat, or drown her in it; he waited for her to ask for it. Christ gave his gospel, and those who believed followed him.
I thought of the 10 virgins. We can't force those without oil to be prepared. We can love them and hope they take the lifeline Christ has offered, and gain their own testimony, strong enough to commit.
