I am on team of teachers, and I am the oldest. One of them, my partner, is taller than me and if you saw her you automatically think 'model' she is so pretty. Another, is equally as beautiful. The next to oldest woman on the team looks 20 years younger than me, but she is only 5 years younger than me.
I prefaced my post with the above, but the truth is, I have never thought I was pretty. As a child, I would look at my silhouettes that were drawn in elementary school and be critically embarrassed . I did not have the classic nose, mine was a pug nose with an upturn. My chin was not a nice looking chin. In order to close my mouth (which I always thought was too big for my face) my chin was pulled up to where there was not a full chin. I always had too puffy under brow bags that bothered me. About the only thing I liked on my face was the high cheek bones that managed to still be evident in spite of my puffy, fat face. And my face was an absolute oil slick with pimples, moles, and cysts that I tried to remove by hand, leaving brown/red swollen scabby imperfections that left scars in my later years.
I tried so hard to make up for my imperfections. I worked on my hair a lot as a teen--rolling it, teasing it, highlighting it, styling it. I wore make up to make my eyes seem wider, enhance my cheekbones, reduce the puffy fat above my lids, reduce my lip size, and cover any imperfections. Nevertheless, I thought I could make myself look pretty in spite of my physical flaws, but never beautiful, and when I would walk in front of people I didn't know and hear them laugh, I knew in my heart they were laughing at me. It made me want to avoid people.
I would look at the people who were beautiful--Jacqueline Smith-like who had classic, symmetric, perfect features and wish. It didn't help that I also stuck out because I didn't wear immodest clothing. It didn't help when I went to a BYU dance and the guys, who didn't know any of the freshman girls, would literally walk the inside circle and look up and down each girl like they were a piece of meat, always passing me by and asking girls on either side. My view of myself was solidified because I knew I wasn't pretty to them.
Whenever Mike would say I was beautiful, I thought to myself that he was trying to be a good husband and I gave him credit for that, believing he was just going through the motions and could never really believe that I was beautiful or that he thought I was beautiful.
As I have gotten older, the double chin appeared and my neck just kept going, my face got so fat and puffy that my one good feature, my cheekbones were buried and didn't really show as being there. My below-brow puffiness is now so baggy that it drops to cover my eyeliner. My eyes have shrunk and have huge dark bags below my eyes. My eyebrows are so thin they have to be make-upped on. The brown spots and pocks on my face seem to be never ending.
Now that you know how I feel about my looks you can understand how I was feeling this week. I was walking in front of my students on Monday or Tuesday and a girl looked up at me and said, "You're pretty." I looked at her quizzically, wondering what she wanted, but never said anything. The next day she said the same thing. In fact, all week she looked at me and said the same thing. By Thursday, I had told myself that she was referring to what I was wearing because I had worn jewelry and tops that I liked. But today? Today I wore scruffy old jeans, and the wrinkled old school T-shirt, She turned to me again (yes, she is always the first one in line) and said, "You're pretty, Mrs. Wideman." I looked at her and didn't get it. I haven't yet said 'thank you' because I can't make myself believe she is being honest (in spite of her being a very nice girl). I would rather believe she is trying to make fun of me or 'brown nose' me. Anyway, it is causing me a bit of troublesome thinking. I don't know how to take a compliment I don't believe. Whether it is true or not, I ought to at least be kind enough to thank the girl, but I can't.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Things I want to remember from our 2015 Christmas trip...
1. Maddy: "I can say a good prayer!" and she does...including, "Bless Mommy to lose weight."
2. Seeing my mother prepare 24-7 for her RS lesson. I now know where I get my obsessive, over-the-top, perfectionism.
3. Making chocolate chip cookies with Will and Maddy. Aye yi, yi. The beater turned on when it was up in the air and the dough splattering everywhere. That was OK 'cause Brittany cleaned up the floor.
4. Joshua: photobombing. Every time I would aim to shoot a picture, at the exact moment I wanted to click, this little naked boy's face would pop up right in front of my camera.
5. Joshua: calling his daddy, "Honey" because that is what his mommy calls him.
6. Family Home Evening with Linda's family: Will would conduct as if he was a bishop, using the exact terminology as in sacrament meetings and calling on his parents using their entire names. At the end, Josh stood up next to him and mimicked everything he said. I will remember that Dave was giving this very spiritual lesson (for the 3rd week in a row according to Will) on baptism...primarily for Will and keeping a straight face while Will licked the entire inside of both hands. what I will remember most, though is when everyone, including Will and Maddy, bore their testimonies.
7. Christmas at Linda's with the Johnson family, my mom, and Mike and I. No one was on their I-phone or computers...during the lunch or conversations afterward. We truly enjoyed each other with full attention. The children ate unattended with no problems, then they played for hours with play dough so peacefully.
8. The New Year's Eve Party at Linda's. Wow, she had everything all planned to entertain the kids. I was so impressed. We had her brother-in-law over there, whose wife fixed a Puerto Rican feast.
9. Watching the Rose Bowl Parade at my Mom's house. That was a tradition I always enjoyed.
10. How long the commercial times were on New Years Day games. Dave had a commercial-free app and during commercials, the TV just had a screen showing till after the commercials.
11. Playing games with the kids. Chutes and Ladders with Will and ??, Trouble with Hannah and Abigail.
12. Will's baptism. I was worried that it would not be special because it was a Stake Baptism and no one was on the program from our family, but it was special. The Stake Primary had interviewed each of the children and introduced them up front. Will was the last one to be introduced and when he was almost up to the podium it became obvious he discovered the projector and he was studying the wiring and when she called his name he was not there. Where was he? He had ducked down below the rail to follow the wiring and see where it was connected. It was very apropos that the thing he is best at was "electronics". After the baptism of Will by his father, the family members were ushered into a separate room for Will's confirmation where everyone wrote their testimonies or a message to Will on 3 x 5 cards while he was dressing. After the confirmation, the Primary president got up and shared two special stories about Will, and every grandparent was invited up to bear their testimony to Will. It was very special. Family pictures afterward, then we all went out to eat. On Sunday, Will was called up to the front to recognize him. He walked up so reverently with fold arms, then saw Mike and I and waved. After the recognition, he continued to walk to his seat reverently after a brief leap down 3 steps. That's my Will.
13. The Vocabulary Word of the Week. Linda has a chalk board in the kitchen with the vocabulary word of the week. We tried out the word 'eager' by using it in a sentence and they recognized the word. The next week it was 'tedious'. So impressed by her diligence in educating her children!
14. Finding Josh. If you didn't watch him, he not only was up the stairs and outside, or he was hiding in a closet.
15. Poor little Ally falling down the stairs.
16. Emma sharing her gift, by letting all the girls color it. Maddy sharing her gift by letting all the kids play with her play dough.
17. Going to the LDS History Museum. Wow. I was so impressed by the Joseph Smith Museum down stairs, but the Art Show upstairs with pictures of Jesus was awesome. There was an art room for children upstairs and downstairs there were many interactive items for children to do to help them understand the translating of the Book of Mormon. I particularly liked the translation booth where you wrote what was said with a model of a quill pen (having to fill it with ink) all the while remembering what was said. It then calculated how long it would take you to translate the Book of Mormon vs. how long it actually took. I also liked the type-setting section where you had to put the type-setting letters reversed and in reverse order. I love that place.
18. Going music shopping with Linda.We played music and went through many pieces. Afterward, Linda and I sat down to practice directing the pieces. I am so happy she has this opportunity to direct. She is so teachable. I hope she can take college courses to take her further, but I showed her many things from my college courses and she got them.
19. As always, curling up with novels. These trips are always a joy to actually take time to read fiction. I love it. I actually got extra time because of the snow.
20. Watching a show about my mom's family and listening to the recordings of when we were children with my mom.
21. Watching "Once I was a Beehive" with Linda's family. Watching Silent Night with Mom.
22. Playing Telestrations with Janet, Linda, Susan, Errolyn.
23. Josh sitting on my lap mimicking everything I do. I blew my nose and of course I always wipe each nostril with my finger in the Kleenex when I'm done. He looked at me, looked around, then stuck his finger in his nose.
24. Don't ever drive a pick up truck in the snow. Every one I saw did not have enough weight in the back and swerved all over the road when they hit ice or snow.
25. Maddy running out with tears when we were leaving.
2. Seeing my mother prepare 24-7 for her RS lesson. I now know where I get my obsessive, over-the-top, perfectionism.
3. Making chocolate chip cookies with Will and Maddy. Aye yi, yi. The beater turned on when it was up in the air and the dough splattering everywhere. That was OK 'cause Brittany cleaned up the floor.
4. Joshua: photobombing. Every time I would aim to shoot a picture, at the exact moment I wanted to click, this little naked boy's face would pop up right in front of my camera.
5. Joshua: calling his daddy, "Honey" because that is what his mommy calls him.
6. Family Home Evening with Linda's family: Will would conduct as if he was a bishop, using the exact terminology as in sacrament meetings and calling on his parents using their entire names. At the end, Josh stood up next to him and mimicked everything he said. I will remember that Dave was giving this very spiritual lesson (for the 3rd week in a row according to Will) on baptism...primarily for Will and keeping a straight face while Will licked the entire inside of both hands. what I will remember most, though is when everyone, including Will and Maddy, bore their testimonies.
7. Christmas at Linda's with the Johnson family, my mom, and Mike and I. No one was on their I-phone or computers...during the lunch or conversations afterward. We truly enjoyed each other with full attention. The children ate unattended with no problems, then they played for hours with play dough so peacefully.
8. The New Year's Eve Party at Linda's. Wow, she had everything all planned to entertain the kids. I was so impressed. We had her brother-in-law over there, whose wife fixed a Puerto Rican feast.
9. Watching the Rose Bowl Parade at my Mom's house. That was a tradition I always enjoyed.
10. How long the commercial times were on New Years Day games. Dave had a commercial-free app and during commercials, the TV just had a screen showing till after the commercials.
11. Playing games with the kids. Chutes and Ladders with Will and ??, Trouble with Hannah and Abigail.
12. Will's baptism. I was worried that it would not be special because it was a Stake Baptism and no one was on the program from our family, but it was special. The Stake Primary had interviewed each of the children and introduced them up front. Will was the last one to be introduced and when he was almost up to the podium it became obvious he discovered the projector and he was studying the wiring and when she called his name he was not there. Where was he? He had ducked down below the rail to follow the wiring and see where it was connected. It was very apropos that the thing he is best at was "electronics". After the baptism of Will by his father, the family members were ushered into a separate room for Will's confirmation where everyone wrote their testimonies or a message to Will on 3 x 5 cards while he was dressing. After the confirmation, the Primary president got up and shared two special stories about Will, and every grandparent was invited up to bear their testimony to Will. It was very special. Family pictures afterward, then we all went out to eat. On Sunday, Will was called up to the front to recognize him. He walked up so reverently with fold arms, then saw Mike and I and waved. After the recognition, he continued to walk to his seat reverently after a brief leap down 3 steps. That's my Will.
13. The Vocabulary Word of the Week. Linda has a chalk board in the kitchen with the vocabulary word of the week. We tried out the word 'eager' by using it in a sentence and they recognized the word. The next week it was 'tedious'. So impressed by her diligence in educating her children!
14. Finding Josh. If you didn't watch him, he not only was up the stairs and outside, or he was hiding in a closet.
15. Poor little Ally falling down the stairs.
16. Emma sharing her gift, by letting all the girls color it. Maddy sharing her gift by letting all the kids play with her play dough.
17. Going to the LDS History Museum. Wow. I was so impressed by the Joseph Smith Museum down stairs, but the Art Show upstairs with pictures of Jesus was awesome. There was an art room for children upstairs and downstairs there were many interactive items for children to do to help them understand the translating of the Book of Mormon. I particularly liked the translation booth where you wrote what was said with a model of a quill pen (having to fill it with ink) all the while remembering what was said. It then calculated how long it would take you to translate the Book of Mormon vs. how long it actually took. I also liked the type-setting section where you had to put the type-setting letters reversed and in reverse order. I love that place.
18. Going music shopping with Linda.We played music and went through many pieces. Afterward, Linda and I sat down to practice directing the pieces. I am so happy she has this opportunity to direct. She is so teachable. I hope she can take college courses to take her further, but I showed her many things from my college courses and she got them.
19. As always, curling up with novels. These trips are always a joy to actually take time to read fiction. I love it. I actually got extra time because of the snow.
20. Watching a show about my mom's family and listening to the recordings of when we were children with my mom.
21. Watching "Once I was a Beehive" with Linda's family. Watching Silent Night with Mom.
22. Playing Telestrations with Janet, Linda, Susan, Errolyn.
23. Josh sitting on my lap mimicking everything I do. I blew my nose and of course I always wipe each nostril with my finger in the Kleenex when I'm done. He looked at me, looked around, then stuck his finger in his nose.
24. Don't ever drive a pick up truck in the snow. Every one I saw did not have enough weight in the back and swerved all over the road when they hit ice or snow.
25. Maddy running out with tears when we were leaving.
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