Singing with My Spirit Voice

 I was born with a love of music. I love to sing. I love to harmonize. I am spiritually touched when I hear certain compositions of the music. I love to play the piano, I love to conduct choirs. Every morning I wake up with a Ear Worm of some song. I plays over and over...to the point that people think I have perfect pitch, but I am just singing the songs I hear in my head.

I know that my love of music was a gift given to me as I was born. I know so much and have the ability to hear so much musically, that I have often wondered why I never had the voice to perform with the same perfection I expect of a professional. When I was a music minor at BYU, I had to take voice lessons. I had to sing songs for a recital with all the music majors. It was very embarrassing to me to not have their voice and have to sing next to them. 

Last night, I had a dream. I was in a huge congregation with multiple choir. Susan was directing up front and all the choirs sang. Janet was singing with me. Never had my voice sounded so beautiful. I heard myself sing, and it was the kind of voice any professional would have. Then each choir sang at different times. I found that I did not have the music to sing for each choir. When it was their turn to sing, the choir would sing, while sitting in their same place in the congregation. At one point, one choir was not singing their part, and someone in a choir across the room sang out strong, like I had, to help them. I was thinking, I could sing that, but I don't have the music. It frustrated me. Then it was the entire congregation's turn to sing, and I sang again, only this time my voice I heard before was not heard by anyone. I heard it--I was opening my mouth, and singing, but when I listened, no one else could hear me singing. Why? Why was my voice not heard as I had before? Why had I heard it before as being perfect? Why didn't I have all the music?

When I woke up, I prayed my morning prayer. I wept. Why wasn't I given a voice to sing like I had heard? Why was I given a love of music and yet, kept from the talent to use it like I wanted? In my asking Heavenly Father, I was reminded of the parable of the talents. I was given an average voice...so that may be the 2-talent voice. But yet, because I love singing so much, I have always sung with my average voice. 

(When COVID hit, I didn't use my voice for months...like 6 months. Then, when I started singing in Church again, my voice kept skipping. Sometimes two notes would sound at the same time. But, I wanted to get my voice back so much, I kept singing. Singing in choirs. Singing in the car. I mean, professional singers have to exercise their vocal chords, so I thought that exercising mine would help. It did. Is my voice aging? Yes. But I got back enough voice to show up to stake choir and sing. I got enough voice, that I sang in church with a group of women. Was I the worst voice in the groups? Yes. So much so, that I considered not singing.? But 'how can I keep from singing' when I feel the music?

I've decided to keep singing...with my average voice...in hopes that in not burying my 2-talent voice, I will be rewarded with the voice I heard in my dreams when I die. For right now, I do not bury what talent he has given me, and I sing with an average physical voice, but my Spirit voice is majestic. I sing because the Spirit voice I have in me is my heart and desire to consecrate my 2-talents to the Lord, and pray that my reward will be in Heaven, when my Spirit Voice becomes my Physical Voice and I can sing in the Heavenly Choir with the angels above.

More musing:  My patriarchal blessing talks about the musical talent I have, so why I wasn't given the physical voice I heard? Then I thought of what I would have done, and become if I had that voice. I would have been a performer, rather than a teacher. I would have missed the joy of teaching...and I love that more.